Thursday, September 30, 2010

Adorable/Awkward/Hilarious/WTF?! child moment of the day

This actually happened a few days ago, but is well worth sharing with those of you who might be reading my thoughts here...

I almost didn't post this because I didn't want my blog to turn into a collection of fart stories, but who cares!  I'll offer you this disclaimer:
If you appreciate good old fart jokes, keep reading, if not... you're probably lying, everyone likes fart jokes.

So I'm proctoring the standardized testing that is done at my school (standardized tests are now done on the computer, and since I work in the tech lab, I have the pleasure of watching kids take tests for two weeks).  Anyway, I was reading the instructions to the test, which I have to repeat for every class that takes a test, and upon finishing my speech, someone very close by rips a rather loud, and pretty powerful fart.  Bear in mind the fact that this was the seventh and eight grade group and, for once in their lives, they were completely silent at that moment.  I braced myself for the eminent laughter and teasing that was bound to ensue, but nothing happened!  I did my best to hide my disgust (this was a juicy one after all) and my laughter and managed to sit down and bury my face in my computer.  Just when I thought we had dodged a bullet and the kids were settling into their test, I hear another fart.  This one was at least as loud and came with at least as much force as the first.  Still no reaction from the crowd, amazing.  To make a very long (and uncomfortable) story short, this seventh grade girl sitting no more than four feet away from me proceeded to thunderously pass gas in a room with no windows and limited ventilation, filled with her classmates who were to all to be stuck there for at least 45 minutes, upwards of nine times!  I had the dean of students come over and pull her out after number nine or ten, and when asked if she was feeling ok, she replied, "Yes, why?"  And when she was told why we suspected that her stomach was upset, she replied with, "Oh!  Do you think I was being disruptive?"  WTF?!!

She came back and finished the rest of her test without farting.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Somebody kept farting on the train...

Ok, so everyone knows I'm not the best smelling dude in the world (I prefer to think of my scent as an acquired taste), but at least I try to be courteous to other people when we're in close quarters.  Anyway, the story goes like this:

I was having a lovely time NOT driving home from work (riding the Metra train).  I happened to take an earlier train than usual and it happened to be very full.  I found a seat in the upper deck, as I call it, broke out a book and began reading.  Not two pages into my read, I detected a very potent oder in the air.  It was one of those seriously thick ones, you know, the ones you can't avoid because they pretty much have a TASTE in addition to a smell.  I'm not sure if it was because of some seasonal allergies or not, but I swear my eyes started burning at the same time.  It was bad.  No big deal right?  Sometimes you just have to let one go, I can understand that, I can't say I sympathize, but I understand.  Well, wouldn't you know it, no sooner had the not so well vented train car dispelled the oder than I practically saw another cloud of noxious gas rising up from the seats below.  Just when I thought the war was over, another salvo came rising up.  At this point I started looking around for the culprit.  No one was fessing up.  No giggling, no sneering, no over innocent-looking people avoiding my stare.  I did notice a few people doing the same subtle searching I was.  I hoped they didn't think I looked guilty.  I mean, not to say that I wasn't impressed, this took some serious talent, but it wasn't my brand, and it wouldn't be right to be credited for this.

I never figured out who dealt it, but I just want to see A. if anyone reads this anymore, and B. what your thoughts might be on public flatulence.  When is it acceptable if ever?  When is it taboo?  Is it one of those "if no one finds out who did it, then it's ok" kind of things?  What would have been the appropriate punishment for such a person?  Or have they suffered enough with the pressure they had to deal with before their "release?"